Having a sprained ankle and supposedly being down for close to two weeks and counting (I've made a few trips to close places in the neighbourhood to escape boredom, and I've walked to private classes across the Zubizuri...and probably a bit more than I should.) has given me a lot of time to think and ponder stuff, mainly the future.
I have accepted the renewal for next year. For the most part, I like my school and my coworkers, it's close to Bilbao, and they've been super understanding with time off during Anklegate 2014.
As to the future beyond next year? I'm clueless. I'm clueless at what will make me happy and what I want. I just know that I cannot continue this cycle of what I'm doing. One or two years in one place and then having to move because of idiotic Spanish laws. While I loved my school in Madrid, the city is a toxic place for me. Valencia and Bilbao aren't toxic, and I would love to try my hand at Barcelona.
I am frustrated financially and emotionally. I make 700Euro a month, which is about $1000 American. My rent is 300, which I pay with cash from the few private lessons I have. I get paid every three months. I am looking at going from April until November without getting paid. We don't have money for me to go to the States, and plus my visa is up for renewal on July 1st, which requires me to be around Spain as I have to do everything within a set amount of time from when letters arrive, etc.
And this job is pretty much the only way I can get a visa to stay in Spain legally.
Emotionally? I am wanting a place to call home, roots. I like Bilbao as a city, but it is hard to meet people as most are like me, reserved, into their own world. (In fact, not going into nationalism terms, but the Basque world, while we are aware of things going on in the world, is like a bubble that not even the rest of Spain, if it is indeed Spain, penetrates well.
Ideally, I think what I would like to do is a master in Barcelona and make Barcelona my home. I do worry that it will have a lot of the same problems as Madrid in that there are a lot of people, a lot of idiotic tourists everywhere, and stress stress stress (and Plaça Catalunya doesn't serve relaxing café con leches like Plaza Mayor I hear.) However, there is something about "Països Catalans" that is calling my name. It's Barcelona, Girona or València (sorry valencianos, però he de dir "Països Catalans perquè parle de València i Catalunya) that is speaking to me.
However, I don't have the money.
I am considering "homologar" my Spanish degree for a cost of at least 300 Euro and six months to a year, which involves my tracking down every university syllabi and translating all my transcripts (the 300 Euro minimum comes here) and trying to get a job at a private school in Barcelona or Valencia (or Bilbao). This has no guarantee.
And then there is grad school in the United States and returning to Spain for the master. I don't think it would be too hard to get into a program, but the problem is with my freaking speech impediment which makes my Spanish sound much worse than it really is. Yeah, all those problems with "Rs" and "ls" in English show up a lot more in a language that relies on them. This is why I was not accepted in 2008. I've read freaking Quijote in Spanish, yet people treat me as if I don't even know "hola".
One thing on my mind is the fact that perhaps my lack of confidence in speaking due to these speech impediments which then impedes me on meeting people and making friends and causing me to be more lonely than I already am...and I am pretty introverted as it is. But that's another thought for another time.
At any rate, this is all on my mind. And I know next year is most likely my last year doing the current auxiliar program. Seven years is enough, oi? I just wish I knew what was next.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
el meu setmana blanca
In Bilbao, most schools have a week off for Carnivales, or Semana Blanca. I took advantage of this week and made the best of it.
I caught a flight from Madrid at 6:40 Saturday morning to go to Ibiza, perhaps the most famous party island in the world. I wanted to see the island in off-season to actually see more than drunken tourists. It was a constant surprise of beauty and tranquility, a place I want to see again. A beautiful church in Santa Euraria, Dalt Villa in Ibiza Town and it's meandering streets looking over the sea. There was very little fiesta in March, but that's not what I was looking for. I was looking for a rejuvenating vacation, and that was what I was rewarded with.
Monday I took the ferry to neighbouring small island, Formentera, the complete antithesis of it's neighbour. Sparsley populated and immensely beautiful (well, that part isn't the opposite). I had planned on renting a bike to see the island, but the wind and my sudden seasickness put a damper on that idea. I hiked to Sant Francesc, which was a charming village, and along the coast, which was spectacular.
I flew back to Madrid and spent the night so I could visit my old school. While I hate Madrid, my school felt exactly like home. I didn't realise I missed so many great people there, and even my worst classes, the ones that gave me hell, were excited to see me and told me they wanted me back.
Back to Bilbao, and I had one day of "rest" (IE, tons of errands).
Yesterday was an adventure. I finally crossed off that every year goal of trying snowboarding, and boy, was it worth the wait. I loved it. The kids were typical Basque teenagers, who spoke only in Spanish on the bus and then spoke only Basque when they were around anyone from the rest of Spain (the ski resort was on a mountain in La Rioja, and the 16ºC meant that there wasn't much snow to practice on.)
The kids ignored the lessons which made it harder for me to pick up on the cani accent of the instructor. But I got the hang of it. Or so I thought.
It was a disorganised mess in the way all Spanish (and Basque) school excursions are. I can't believe none of the students got killed. I hope none of them got pregnant as there was no way to keep track of them.
And then after lunch, I was practising some more, and decided to go for a slope a little bit more difficult. Not a wise idea. In trying to avoid a skier who had stopped in the middle of the slope, I ended up falling, and I am shocked the sprained ankle wasn't an actual break. I can actually already walk without it hurting.
It's not a deterence to never snowboard again. It's a motivation to find more practice for snowboarding next winter, as I think spring has arrived already, although autumn never changed to winter here.
I caught a flight from Madrid at 6:40 Saturday morning to go to Ibiza, perhaps the most famous party island in the world. I wanted to see the island in off-season to actually see more than drunken tourists. It was a constant surprise of beauty and tranquility, a place I want to see again. A beautiful church in Santa Euraria, Dalt Villa in Ibiza Town and it's meandering streets looking over the sea. There was very little fiesta in March, but that's not what I was looking for. I was looking for a rejuvenating vacation, and that was what I was rewarded with.
Monday I took the ferry to neighbouring small island, Formentera, the complete antithesis of it's neighbour. Sparsley populated and immensely beautiful (well, that part isn't the opposite). I had planned on renting a bike to see the island, but the wind and my sudden seasickness put a damper on that idea. I hiked to Sant Francesc, which was a charming village, and along the coast, which was spectacular.
I flew back to Madrid and spent the night so I could visit my old school. While I hate Madrid, my school felt exactly like home. I didn't realise I missed so many great people there, and even my worst classes, the ones that gave me hell, were excited to see me and told me they wanted me back.
Back to Bilbao, and I had one day of "rest" (IE, tons of errands).
Yesterday was an adventure. I finally crossed off that every year goal of trying snowboarding, and boy, was it worth the wait. I loved it. The kids were typical Basque teenagers, who spoke only in Spanish on the bus and then spoke only Basque when they were around anyone from the rest of Spain (the ski resort was on a mountain in La Rioja, and the 16ºC meant that there wasn't much snow to practice on.)
The kids ignored the lessons which made it harder for me to pick up on the cani accent of the instructor. But I got the hang of it. Or so I thought.
It was a disorganised mess in the way all Spanish (and Basque) school excursions are. I can't believe none of the students got killed. I hope none of them got pregnant as there was no way to keep track of them.
And then after lunch, I was practising some more, and decided to go for a slope a little bit more difficult. Not a wise idea. In trying to avoid a skier who had stopped in the middle of the slope, I ended up falling, and I am shocked the sprained ankle wasn't an actual break. I can actually already walk without it hurting.
It's not a deterence to never snowboard again. It's a motivation to find more practice for snowboarding next winter, as I think spring has arrived already, although autumn never changed to winter here.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
el meu final de año wrap up y metas por 2014
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?: I took a road trip through Spain and drove to all the villages I could. I also moved to the Basque Country.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: Some, and I always have goals for the new year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: A few from high school.
4. Did anyone close to you die?: Fallon Fey :'(
5. What countries did you visit?: Catalunya, Greece, Portugal, France, United States, and I moved from Spain to the Basque Country.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?: A social life, and moneyyy.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: Nov. 23, (he knows why), July 30th (day I moved to Bilbao)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: Going to Greece.
9. What was your biggest failure?: Gaining weight back. Not much but still. Also not able to come out.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Gastronitis, and a few colds.
11. What was the best thing you bought?: Travels.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jesús :P
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: Partido Popular, Republicans, Mariah's record label
14. Where did most of your money go?: Travel, café con leche relaxing
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: Greece, Combat, Bilbao, travelling.
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?: #Beautiful by Mariah Carey
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? 7 kilos fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Writing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Procrastinating, being afraid to be who I am
20. How will you be spending Christmas?: I spent Christmas Eve on planes, then Christmas with my mom opening presents.
21. How will you be spending New Years? Eating grapes at 6 PM Eastern Standard Time and packing.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?: Infatuation :)
23. How many one-night stands?: A few
24. What was your favorite TV program?: True Blood, American Horror Story, Breaking Bad, Nashville, Veep
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: No.
26. What was the best book you read?: The Harry Potter series.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: The Cast of Nashville
28. What did you want and get?: A pending trip to Ireland
29. What did you want and not get?: A trip to Morroco, a Macbook
30. What was your favorite film of this year?: Before Midnight
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: 32, worked and then went to the gym pintxos with J.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Stability.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?: Pijo casual
34. What kept you sane?: Jordi, my iPod
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: David Villa, Cesc Fàbregas, Mario Casas
36. What political issue stirred you the most?: LA PUTA CRISIS DE MIERDA. RECORTES. Nueva ley de aborto.
37. Who did you miss?: Fallon Fey.
38. Who was the best new person you met?: Jesús.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013: Open your heart, no day but today.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Hermoso, good lord you're hashtag beautiful, yo por ti y tu por mi, lo que me haces sentir, ya no puedo más, vaminos de aquí, ahora sí, perdóname lo siento mucho what? I'm bilingual, you didn't know? -Mariah Carey
Places I slept: Over the Atlantic, Barcelona, Madrid, Burgos, València, Athens, Napfolio, on a train, Lisboa, Lagos (Portugal), Sevilla, Granada, Bilbao, Bordeaux, Vitoria, Donostia-San Sebastián, Lawrenceburg, Columbus. I'm a major slut :P
2013. Another year of travelling, hiking, Combat. A move to Bilbao. A great loss of my golden retriever, Fallon Fey. A new dog, a moody German Shepherd named Tango. I finished the second novel and edited it and the first novel. Two failed crushes, but I'm back in the scene with crush number three that seems to be going somewhere!
I miss my old school, and I like the new school. However, I know this part of my life is soon ending.
Goals accomplished: Finished the novel and edited them. Anxiety is being worked on. I'm not there yet, but I will be. I read a book in catalan, tried Body Pump, completed Couch to 5K, even though I am back to being unable to run 10 centimetres *sigh*, organized iTunes and obtained my B1 certificate in Catalán. I made it to 7/12 provinces I haven't been to. I gave up Starbucks, but then again, Bilbao doesn't have the 'Bucks. Back into films. What goals do I have for 2014?
1. Come out to my mom. It has to be done. Life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
2. Submit my first two novels for publication, and hopefully get to 75% finished with novel 3.
3. Get back down to 150 pounds or 68Kg and develop muscle.
4. Learn to cook and eat healthily. No sweets except for Mondays, and pintxos only once a week.
5. Snowboard. Again, still haven't done this!
6. Learn to surf and kayak.
7. Develop a social circle.
8. Work toward finding a permanent job and figuring out grad school.
9. Camino de Santiago!
10. Continue working to fight depression and anxiety.
11. Be able to afford a studio and a golden 'triever dog.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: Some, and I always have goals for the new year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: A few from high school.
4. Did anyone close to you die?: Fallon Fey :'(
5. What countries did you visit?: Catalunya, Greece, Portugal, France, United States, and I moved from Spain to the Basque Country.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?: A social life, and moneyyy.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: Nov. 23, (he knows why), July 30th (day I moved to Bilbao)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: Going to Greece.
9. What was your biggest failure?: Gaining weight back. Not much but still. Also not able to come out.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Gastronitis, and a few colds.
11. What was the best thing you bought?: Travels.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jesús :P
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: Partido Popular, Republicans, Mariah's record label
14. Where did most of your money go?: Travel, café con leche relaxing
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: Greece, Combat, Bilbao, travelling.
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?: #Beautiful by Mariah Carey
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? 7 kilos fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Writing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Procrastinating, being afraid to be who I am
20. How will you be spending Christmas?: I spent Christmas Eve on planes, then Christmas with my mom opening presents.
21. How will you be spending New Years? Eating grapes at 6 PM Eastern Standard Time and packing.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?: Infatuation :)
23. How many one-night stands?: A few
24. What was your favorite TV program?: True Blood, American Horror Story, Breaking Bad, Nashville, Veep
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: No.
26. What was the best book you read?: The Harry Potter series.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: The Cast of Nashville
28. What did you want and get?: A pending trip to Ireland
29. What did you want and not get?: A trip to Morroco, a Macbook
30. What was your favorite film of this year?: Before Midnight
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: 32, worked and then went to the gym pintxos with J.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Stability.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?: Pijo casual
34. What kept you sane?: Jordi, my iPod
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: David Villa, Cesc Fàbregas, Mario Casas
36. What political issue stirred you the most?: LA PUTA CRISIS DE MIERDA. RECORTES. Nueva ley de aborto.
37. Who did you miss?: Fallon Fey.
38. Who was the best new person you met?: Jesús.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013: Open your heart, no day but today.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Hermoso, good lord you're hashtag beautiful, yo por ti y tu por mi, lo que me haces sentir, ya no puedo más, vaminos de aquí, ahora sí, perdóname lo siento mucho what? I'm bilingual, you didn't know? -Mariah Carey
Places I slept: Over the Atlantic, Barcelona, Madrid, Burgos, València, Athens, Napfolio, on a train, Lisboa, Lagos (Portugal), Sevilla, Granada, Bilbao, Bordeaux, Vitoria, Donostia-San Sebastián, Lawrenceburg, Columbus. I'm a major slut :P
2013. Another year of travelling, hiking, Combat. A move to Bilbao. A great loss of my golden retriever, Fallon Fey. A new dog, a moody German Shepherd named Tango. I finished the second novel and edited it and the first novel. Two failed crushes, but I'm back in the scene with crush number three that seems to be going somewhere!
I miss my old school, and I like the new school. However, I know this part of my life is soon ending.
Goals accomplished: Finished the novel and edited them. Anxiety is being worked on. I'm not there yet, but I will be. I read a book in catalan, tried Body Pump, completed Couch to 5K, even though I am back to being unable to run 10 centimetres *sigh*, organized iTunes and obtained my B1 certificate in Catalán. I made it to 7/12 provinces I haven't been to. I gave up Starbucks, but then again, Bilbao doesn't have the 'Bucks. Back into films. What goals do I have for 2014?
1. Come out to my mom. It has to be done. Life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
2. Submit my first two novels for publication, and hopefully get to 75% finished with novel 3.
3. Get back down to 150 pounds or 68Kg and develop muscle.
4. Learn to cook and eat healthily. No sweets except for Mondays, and pintxos only once a week.
5. Snowboard. Again, still haven't done this!
6. Learn to surf and kayak.
7. Develop a social circle.
8. Work toward finding a permanent job and figuring out grad school.
9. Camino de Santiago!
10. Continue working to fight depression and anxiety.
11. Be able to afford a studio and a golden 'triever dog.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
el meu 32 temporada
It's the season premiere of the 32nd season of The Pablo Show. After a 31st season that saw travels to United States, Greece, Portugal and France (plus in-country travels to Barcelona twice, Tarragona, Burgos, Palencia, Ronda, Granada, Sevilla, Huelva, and Cantabria) and a move to the Basque Country capital cosmpolitan centre Bilbao, we're more than excited for the 32nd season. We set down recently with the headwriter to find out what's in store.
EWEspaña: Zorionak 32 eh we're not even trying Basque. Enhorabona de temporada 32! Molt bé fet!
Headwriter: Moltes gràcies!
EWE: Season 31 was mostly a success. Although we were sad to see Pablo leave his job due to the inability of Madrid to have competentant laws that would permit him to continue at the school, we were more than excited to see him leave that horrible city full of rubbish and relaxing cafés con leche to uncharted territory. The Basque Country. Now we are wondering...is Bilbao in Spain?
Headwriter: I cannot answer that question because of the viewers that would boycott us if we say yes or say no. It's as Spanish as Catalunya. Let's just leave it at that!
EWE: Sorry for asking! We were expecting Barcelona, but you never cease to surprise us! We also want to congratulate Pablo for finishing his second novel and picking up the third again. Any plans for publishing?
HW: One of the things we would like to do this season is work toward publishing the first and perhaps the second novel while continuing work on the third. The research is more or less done. Now it's to finish writing it. And find a publisher. Perhaps self-publishing is on the way.
EWE: Every year we ask, when is Pablo going to get a boyfriend? We had a fling that called P. fat and criticized him for pretty much everything, and then an unrequieted crush that ended in disaster. We're glad to see him back out there, but we wonder...when exactly will we be able to see him in a stable relationship?
HW: We're actually in the process of casting that right now. Contract negotions are going well, but we don't want to jinx anything until the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted and the "n's" have a tilde.
EWE: Sounds VERY intruiging. Will you shoot on location this year?
HW: Do they speak Basque in Bilbao? Wait...is the new Pope Catholic? Of course! Spoiler alert: Semana Santa in IRELAND. We are also trying to work out location shoots in Jaca, Barcelona, Valencia, Ibiza, Portugal again, Italia again and our dream is Morocco and Tenerife. So much money matters to work out.
EWE: Although Pablo misses the classroom and his former students, even the brats, he seems to be quite content in the conversation classes and the private lessons he gives. Any other career changes?
HW: I think one of our future storylines will find P. looking more into going back to his journalistic side and starting a travel blog and going that route. I also wouldn't rule out the possiblity of graduate school.
EWE: Very interesting. What about that new Mariah album he was planning on buying?
HW: Blame Island Def Jam and Beyonce's voodoo doll.
EWE: Sport is becoming more and more important in P's life. I hear a rumour he's joining a new gym.
HW: That's right! We have the money to change sets for the gym, and we are looking at going back to Body Pump in addition to a regular Body Combat schedule in the new gym set. Maybe Yoga.
EWE: One of the storylines we've loved this season is that P. finally seems to be getting anxiety and depression monsters (aka Beyonce) under control.
HW: This will be a lifelong process we fear, but things are going much better now than in the past. We also are going to finally tackle the coming out process this season.
EWE: Sounds interesting. Well, we wish you the best. One last thing. I heard P. will finally destroy Sookie Stackhouse next summer. Any chance of this rumour being true?
HW: We're crossing our fingers HBO returns our calls about this very important matter.
EWE: Thank you. Eskerrik asko. Moltes gràcies. Grazie mille. Graças. Obrigado. Muchas gracias.
EWEspaña: Zorionak 32 eh we're not even trying Basque. Enhorabona de temporada 32! Molt bé fet!
Headwriter: Moltes gràcies!
EWE: Season 31 was mostly a success. Although we were sad to see Pablo leave his job due to the inability of Madrid to have competentant laws that would permit him to continue at the school, we were more than excited to see him leave that horrible city full of rubbish and relaxing cafés con leche to uncharted territory. The Basque Country. Now we are wondering...is Bilbao in Spain?
Headwriter: I cannot answer that question because of the viewers that would boycott us if we say yes or say no. It's as Spanish as Catalunya. Let's just leave it at that!
EWE: Sorry for asking! We were expecting Barcelona, but you never cease to surprise us! We also want to congratulate Pablo for finishing his second novel and picking up the third again. Any plans for publishing?
HW: One of the things we would like to do this season is work toward publishing the first and perhaps the second novel while continuing work on the third. The research is more or less done. Now it's to finish writing it. And find a publisher. Perhaps self-publishing is on the way.
EWE: Every year we ask, when is Pablo going to get a boyfriend? We had a fling that called P. fat and criticized him for pretty much everything, and then an unrequieted crush that ended in disaster. We're glad to see him back out there, but we wonder...when exactly will we be able to see him in a stable relationship?
HW: We're actually in the process of casting that right now. Contract negotions are going well, but we don't want to jinx anything until the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted and the "n's" have a tilde.
EWE: Sounds VERY intruiging. Will you shoot on location this year?
HW: Do they speak Basque in Bilbao? Wait...is the new Pope Catholic? Of course! Spoiler alert: Semana Santa in IRELAND. We are also trying to work out location shoots in Jaca, Barcelona, Valencia, Ibiza, Portugal again, Italia again and our dream is Morocco and Tenerife. So much money matters to work out.
EWE: Although Pablo misses the classroom and his former students, even the brats, he seems to be quite content in the conversation classes and the private lessons he gives. Any other career changes?
HW: I think one of our future storylines will find P. looking more into going back to his journalistic side and starting a travel blog and going that route. I also wouldn't rule out the possiblity of graduate school.
EWE: Very interesting. What about that new Mariah album he was planning on buying?
HW: Blame Island Def Jam and Beyonce's voodoo doll.
EWE: Sport is becoming more and more important in P's life. I hear a rumour he's joining a new gym.
HW: That's right! We have the money to change sets for the gym, and we are looking at going back to Body Pump in addition to a regular Body Combat schedule in the new gym set. Maybe Yoga.
EWE: One of the storylines we've loved this season is that P. finally seems to be getting anxiety and depression monsters (aka Beyonce) under control.
HW: This will be a lifelong process we fear, but things are going much better now than in the past. We also are going to finally tackle the coming out process this season.
EWE: Sounds interesting. Well, we wish you the best. One last thing. I heard P. will finally destroy Sookie Stackhouse next summer. Any chance of this rumour being true?
HW: We're crossing our fingers HBO returns our calls about this very important matter.
EWE: Thank you. Eskerrik asko. Moltes gràcies. Grazie mille. Graças. Obrigado. Muchas gracias.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
el meu Harry Potter
When you think about it, I have a lot in common with Harry Potter.
My father was as cruel as Voldemart and raised me like Vernon raised Harry. He treated me like I was the scum on his shoe.
Instead of a scar on my forehead, I have my homosexuality, which I still wrestle with emotionally and still sometimes feel is a demon haunting me. I know I was born this way, but it still doesn't mean I am always okay with how I was born.
I yearn for a father figure. Unlike Harry, who had traces of a father from Sirius to Arthur Weasley to Dumbledore himself, I never had these traces. Is what little Harry was given better than the nothing I was given?
I'm constantly alone, having to rely on myself to make it through the Dementors. I just don't have a stag protecter I can summon with my happy thoughts.
Most of my teachers treated me like Dumebledore and McGoungall (spelling?) treat Harry. They expected a lot from me, and most of the time I delivered.
I was raised by Muggles, parents who hated Spanish and forbade me to do anything to enrich my learning of this language. Now that I live in Spain, aka Hogwarts, I am constantly reminded that I am a Mudblood, as much as I want to fit in and be Spanish.
Perhaps these were the books I needed at this time in life. I'm sure there are more similiarities, but my sleep-deprived brain can't think of them right now.
My father was as cruel as Voldemart and raised me like Vernon raised Harry. He treated me like I was the scum on his shoe.
Instead of a scar on my forehead, I have my homosexuality, which I still wrestle with emotionally and still sometimes feel is a demon haunting me. I know I was born this way, but it still doesn't mean I am always okay with how I was born.
I yearn for a father figure. Unlike Harry, who had traces of a father from Sirius to Arthur Weasley to Dumbledore himself, I never had these traces. Is what little Harry was given better than the nothing I was given?
I'm constantly alone, having to rely on myself to make it through the Dementors. I just don't have a stag protecter I can summon with my happy thoughts.
Most of my teachers treated me like Dumebledore and McGoungall (spelling?) treat Harry. They expected a lot from me, and most of the time I delivered.
I was raised by Muggles, parents who hated Spanish and forbade me to do anything to enrich my learning of this language. Now that I live in Spain, aka Hogwarts, I am constantly reminded that I am a Mudblood, as much as I want to fit in and be Spanish.
Perhaps these were the books I needed at this time in life. I'm sure there are more similiarities, but my sleep-deprived brain can't think of them right now.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
el meu gos...
FALLON FEY 15 MAY 2002-14 AUGUST 2013
Fallon Fey came into my life as a darling little puppy named Ginger who I petset for my pregnant aunt one weekend in July. We instantly bonded. A few months later when the baby came, my aunt couldn't deal with the puppy, and she became mine. My mom took care of her while I was at university, but she was always my dog.
She entered my life at a time I was deeply struggling with my homosexuality and hating myself for being gay (a hate I honestly still carry with me today if I look deep down). We were the best of friends. I took her to Cherokee Park in Louisville and to the Red River Gorge as often as I could. I would always pounce on her, and she was there to lick the tears of my face as I constantly cried due to whatever jerk had broken my heart or whatever jerk had said how horrible homosexuality was or whatever reason.
When I moved to Spain in September 2008, my hardest goodbye was to her. It tore me in two to say goodbye to her. She was my best friend. When I came back at Christmas after 3,5 years without seeing her, she instantly remembered me and bonded with me as if I had never left. I knew when I said goodbye to her, it could be my last goodbye.
She had some cancerous growths on her back that became infected and caused her heart to start giving out. My mom made the decision to put her down before she suffered any more pain. And my mom keeps saying at least my last memories of her will be happy memories and not of the old dog she became in the past month. (The vet in May had an optimistic outlook of another two years.)
My heart is aching for the loss of my dog, one who I had abandoned to pursue this wacky sordid adventure of living in Spain. I wonder if she knew or understand why I left. I had to get out of an unhealthy environment for me.
My heart has been aching for a dog here in Spain for quite some time. Whenever I am out for one of my many strolls and I come across a dog, I have to control myself and not to go up to it and give it a huge hug. When I left Madrid, I had to go back to the chino that lets their golden retriever lie out on the pavement in front of it to say my adéu to it. I just hugged it and held it and felt so alone.
And then just this Sunday, I had a nightmare that there was a cheetah that had made its home in our Ohio house (where Fallon never lived, but what dreams ever make sense? I only dream of the Ohio house and never any of the various places I've lived since and never ever Kentucky.) Fallon was trapped out on the patio and had to cross a hungry cheetah to get back in. After a few tries she made it and we locked the door trapping the hungry cheetah outside. I awoke in a cold sweat worried that something had happened to Fallon.
Three short days later.
Fallon...I will never, ever forget you.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
el meu Agur, Madril! Aupa Bilbo!
I'm officially sipping on my last Starbucks (although honestly I'll probably get one for the road on Tuesday, as it's a road trip staple). Yesterday I went to a park in Vallecas that had spectacular views of Madrid, and I took one last walk around Chueca.
I'm not going to be upset about not getting to go out one last time in Madrid. As I was walking around Chueca, I accepted the realization that I had a few weeks ago. Chueca is not for me. I'm neither a twink nor a bear, neither am I attracted to twinks or bears. So no wonder that place had so much pain for me. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person for not liking those scenes. I do like to go out dancing with friends, but in a big city like Madrid, it's next to impossible to make friends. And I've struggled the entire time I've been here to try to force myself to like something I don't like so I could fit in.
I saw someone who I met my first weekend in Madrid in 2009. Every time I go out, I see him with a completely different pack of friends. I ducked so I didn't have to deal with his fakeness.
I've been told like I'm a Spaniard of the north. I might seem a bit more reserved, a bit more aloof, a bit more "cerrado", but once you get under my exterior, I'm a good person and loyal. Madrid, for the most part, is superficiality and nothing under the surface. Me, I'm all under the surface.
Two years ago, when I moved back to Madrid after a year in Valencia, I had such high hopes of turning things around and applying the awesomeness of Valencia to make Madrid work. And there were some good moments. I made it to Extremadura and Asturias, being the last two autonomous communities I needed to visit. I learned catalán and now have a B1 level (I need a B2 to work there). I finished my second novel. I trained with Dan freaking Cohen at a special Body Combat in November. I recovered from a broken heart, and I am on the road to anxiety and depression recovery. I worked at the most amazing school ever, and I cliché alert learned as much from my students as they hopefully did for me.
My last week in Valencia, when I thought I was leaving for Barcelona to do a master's, my heart was breaking every day. Every time I said goodbye to one of my favourite places, I wanted to cry.
Leaving Madrid does not feel that way at all. I got my tears out of the way my last day of work, as that was really the one thing I had an attachment too. I said goodbye to catalán back in May. All the positives have already been bid adieu to. (Or bid adeu to be more catalán.)
I am excited for a new fresh start in Bilbao. I will most likely be there at least two years, one year for sure. I'm looking forward to learning a new language (Basque/Euskera), continuing with catalán and the gym, developing a group of friends and slaying Anxiety Monster for good (it has the face of Beyonce), and learning how to surf and kayak. I am looking forward to Aste Nagusia, being near the sea, and tons of hiking and breathtaking scenery. I am looking forward to my first winter winter since 1998-1999. (Kentucky and Madrid do not know winter, and every time someone from Valencia started to complain about the "cold", they'd then look at me and say "ufff, lo siento, no es frío como lo conoces, però jo sí tinc fred."
The chapter of Madrid ended on June 21st. July has been a painful postdate (root canal root canal pain pain pain camp from hell.) In less than 48 hours, the Bilbao chapter will begin with an amazing road trip.
Agur Madril, Aupa Bilbo.
I'm not going to be upset about not getting to go out one last time in Madrid. As I was walking around Chueca, I accepted the realization that I had a few weeks ago. Chueca is not for me. I'm neither a twink nor a bear, neither am I attracted to twinks or bears. So no wonder that place had so much pain for me. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person for not liking those scenes. I do like to go out dancing with friends, but in a big city like Madrid, it's next to impossible to make friends. And I've struggled the entire time I've been here to try to force myself to like something I don't like so I could fit in.
I saw someone who I met my first weekend in Madrid in 2009. Every time I go out, I see him with a completely different pack of friends. I ducked so I didn't have to deal with his fakeness.
I've been told like I'm a Spaniard of the north. I might seem a bit more reserved, a bit more aloof, a bit more "cerrado", but once you get under my exterior, I'm a good person and loyal. Madrid, for the most part, is superficiality and nothing under the surface. Me, I'm all under the surface.
Two years ago, when I moved back to Madrid after a year in Valencia, I had such high hopes of turning things around and applying the awesomeness of Valencia to make Madrid work. And there were some good moments. I made it to Extremadura and Asturias, being the last two autonomous communities I needed to visit. I learned catalán and now have a B1 level (I need a B2 to work there). I finished my second novel. I trained with Dan freaking Cohen at a special Body Combat in November. I recovered from a broken heart, and I am on the road to anxiety and depression recovery. I worked at the most amazing school ever, and I cliché alert learned as much from my students as they hopefully did for me.
My last week in Valencia, when I thought I was leaving for Barcelona to do a master's, my heart was breaking every day. Every time I said goodbye to one of my favourite places, I wanted to cry.
Leaving Madrid does not feel that way at all. I got my tears out of the way my last day of work, as that was really the one thing I had an attachment too. I said goodbye to catalán back in May. All the positives have already been bid adieu to. (Or bid adeu to be more catalán.)
I am excited for a new fresh start in Bilbao. I will most likely be there at least two years, one year for sure. I'm looking forward to learning a new language (Basque/Euskera), continuing with catalán and the gym, developing a group of friends and slaying Anxiety Monster for good (it has the face of Beyonce), and learning how to surf and kayak. I am looking forward to Aste Nagusia, being near the sea, and tons of hiking and breathtaking scenery. I am looking forward to my first winter winter since 1998-1999. (Kentucky and Madrid do not know winter, and every time someone from Valencia started to complain about the "cold", they'd then look at me and say "ufff, lo siento, no es frío como lo conoces, però jo sí tinc fred."
The chapter of Madrid ended on June 21st. July has been a painful postdate (root canal root canal pain pain pain camp from hell.) In less than 48 hours, the Bilbao chapter will begin with an amazing road trip.
Agur Madril, Aupa Bilbo.
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