mis sueños

So this blog really isn't about Spain like how I originally intended. It's becoming more about me and more of a public version of my Livejournal. So be it. At least I'm writing.

As time goes by, I'm becoming more and more aware of what I want out of life. I'm just unsure about how to go about getting it, and I'm scared to death of failure. I'm quite indecisive, and I'm fighting low self-esteem, depression, social anxiety and general anxiety in my attempts to make my life.

First off, I need to spend time writing. Working on my novel and other writings. I waste so much time online doing nothing or planning trips I never take cos I freak out about money. I look at so many places in Madrid that I never write to to move while staying in a flat where I fight with the flatmates constantly 25 minutes from anywhere I want to go, 45 minutes if I catch the trains EXACTLY from where I work. What's going on? What do I want in life?

From now on...I am going to start concentrating on what makes me happy and the life I want. If it's not going to help me in one of my goals, then why bother?

I want a life full of love and friendships. I want a boyfriend, but I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. I want to meet The One. Mr. Right. Mi Principe Azul. I tend to meet...gilipollas. Dumbarse arseholes not worth the time or effort. Dumbarses who cause me grief and tears. What's that saying, that the one man worth your tears will never make you cry? I guess I should learn that. I'm not sure where to find him, but I do know I'm ready to settle down with the right guy and build a life together with him.

Is this possible?

I'm a passionate person. I'm passionate about Spain and Spanish. Reading and writing. Amazing cinema. Traveling. I am caring. I have a lot to give underneath this labyrinth of sadness and shyness. Am I destined to be die alone, my body discovered three weeks later half eaten by Alsatians?

I'm also wanting to go back to school for a Master's in "Hispanic studies", "filología española", etc...the trick is...I don't want to go back to the States. I'm slowly but surely investigating universities here in Spain, but the ironic thing is I'm not sure I can truly study the concept of Spanish Identity in Spain. And the plan B of course is teaching Spanish as a career. Again...I want to stay in Spain, so the teaching might have to be English as long as I'm here. At least I know I want to be a teacher/writer.

Travel wise, my goals are all 17 communities of Spain (I know 8), Greece, Morocco or Egypt, Australia and Argentina. There are other places I would like to see, of course, but these are the places foremost on my mind. Why am I nearly going to Germany to a city that I don't even want to see there (I want to see Berlin.) Granted, I'm not going to turn down a travel opportunity that comes my way, but these are what I'm going to concentrate on.

I know with some hard work, the future I want is possible. I'm just scared of failure.