mi "American Dream"

I am never one to stick to the status quo, and not too surprisingly, I sometimes suffer for it.

I straddle the lines between mean types of groups, never fully feeling accepted or a part of anywhere at any time. Gay and Christian. Intellectual who follows pop culture. Hates pop music...except for my faves Mariah Carey and Lady GaGa. An extremely shy boy who loves to go out dancing and watch the gay boys (although way to shy to ever talk to any of the said gay boys, so a very very very single and lonely boy.)

Growing up, I yearned to go anywhere but where I was. Anywhere was exotic compared to Cornfieldville, Ohio. I dreamed of being anyone but who I was.

I fell in love with Europe during my graduation visit to London in 2000. And when I came to Spain in 2003 to study Spanish in Toledo...as I stepped off the plane, I started crying, overcome with emotion over being some place that immediately felt like home.

I dreamed for five years of doing anything I could to return. I took a job that paid nothing in AceitedeOlivialandia just to get back here. I came to Madrid, the city of my dreams that's anything but (I'm much more a Valenciano...actually, I'm more of a northern Spaniard...very cold, distant and reserved at first sight but once you crack my shell, I'm one of the most loyal friends and awesome people you'll ever meet, but I digress.) that's another blog post. About how the metro kills all energy I have to live and how I will take a 40 minute bus over a 20 minute metro ride anytime. And the pollution. And the constant tourist and too many people and the snooty Chueca Boys who aren't good enough for me anyway. And shitty roommates in a shitty flat in a shitty barrio. Okay, maybe I won't save it for another blog post.

I relate more to Spain and the life here than I do for American life. Although I still deal with some depression and anxiety, it's nowhere near the levels I deal with in the US. There's just something about Spain that feels like home for me.

All this is on the verge of collapsing as there is a good chance I may not get a renewal to continue doing my job. It's a bunch of BS about how they don't want to renew anyone who has been doing it for over two years. This is easiest way for me to get my visa to stay in Spain. Without it, I'm not sure what will happen.

I'm investigating doing my master in Hispanic Studies (filologia española) at the Universitat de Valencia. I'm somewhat feeling lead to this place. I'm going to be sending out my CV to many places in VLC. I'm going to somewhat look in Bilbao and Barcelona too but place my emphasis in Valencia. It's a scary place to be, and a major faith test. I can't say I'm not freaking out. Because that would be a major lie. But I'm trying to look forward and think positive.

There is always talk about the American Dream, but it's not for me. My American dream is to officially emigrate to Spain, become a writer and fall in love with an awesome Spanish Boy. (Who loves me back.)

I'm just a very unstable place right now where all this is on the verge of collapsing. I'm not ready to give up my dream. I don't want the 9-5 rat race. And I'm most likely facing MAJOR unemployment in the States as I am technically not licensed to teach. And that is what I want to do with my life.

My horoscopes in Qué!, one of the free daily Madrid papers, this week have been quite interesting. "No te apetece dejar tu trabajo pero quiza sea lo mejor para ti." You don't feel like leaving your job, but it might be the best for you. Yesterday: Dedicarás más tiempo a la reflexión y tomarás decisiones más acertadas. You will spend more time reflecting and you will make better decisions more or less. And today? Lo peor pasó, y ahora estás en el camino sólido del amor y las resoluciones. The worst has passed, and now you're on the right path for love and resolutions.

(I translate idiomatically).

And then a letter to ADN, another free daily Madrid paper.

"Inmigrantes hay con papeles y sin papeles, e igual que los españoles tienen trabajo y otros no. Han venido para poder viver y aunque aquí tampoco lo tienen fácil, es mejor que en sus países de origen. La mayoria pertenecen a países con los tenemos una antigua deuda de colonización. Aceptar a los emigrantes es un mínimo de solidaridad en este mundo con tantas penurias y problemas."

Basically calling for the acceptance of immigrants. And even though Americans aren't seen as the typical immigrant, that's what I am. This letter was awesome.

I don't know my future...but I do know I want to stay in Spain for now. I just hope I don't screw it all up.