mi dilemma

I need to write. I have so many things on my mind I'm not even going to try to watch Fisica o quimica. That's how distressed I am. I can download it or catch the repeat Saturday afternoon, eh?

My visa conveniently expires 31 May. I find this out yesterday because of how long they have taken to process. After waiting two hours to get the ID card renewed, they told me they weren't going to bother because of how late it was, but that if I got papers in to be renewed that as long as they were in the system I was legal unless it came back as a no. Now these papers are supposed to be in between 15 days before the expiration. I did not find out until this date had already passed. I have emailed the people at the Universitat Autònoma de Barcelona to ask I can do. I will probably have to go up there next week, give them what I have, and figure out what to do for the summer. I need the money that comes from working at the camp, but I honestly don't know how I am going to make it on what little money I have as I won't see the money from the camp until the second week of August.

If I somehow got money to go to the States for the summer, there is little chance of of me getting a job. I am too educated for any job where my mom lives, and I can't ask a friend to crash even with offering to do all household chores and a little bit of rent just for the summer, which I would do both.

All day today, I have been thinking if I really want to stay in Spain, if everything I'm giving up is worth it. I miss my car and miss driving. I miss my puppy. I am sick and tired of being broke. And I wonder if it would be easier for me to find what I want most in life, the elusive boyfriend, would be easier to find in the States. And I know I would be a damn good Spanish teacher if I could deal with all the rules and regulations of teaching in the States that aren't so present in Spain. (I can leave school property if I'm not on a class, wear jeans and a polo, etc.) And I am not used to American teacher/students dynamics. I am also worried about my mom and something happening to her again, something worse.

I have reached the point where if something doesn't change in the year it takes to obtain my master, that if Barcelona isn't for me, I would cut my losses and return to the States with my master to teach Spanish or look for a Ph.D.

Faced with losing Spain and the master once again? My heart says I totally want the master, want the year in Barcelona. I still am concentrating on putting all my positive energies on obtaining funding and this becoming reality.

However, I am also...losing the will. Losing my will to fight. Nothing in life that's worth it comes without fighting. But I have been fighting so long.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't get ahead financially. I know I cannot survive Kentucky. I'm barely surviving Spain.

I'm tired. I'm lost. I'm lonely. I'm scared. I'm broke. I need a hug.