mis crossroads

I'm standing at a crossroads in life, and I don't know what to go.

This line from the 1991 country song by Pirates of the Mississippi "Feed Jake" describes my life right now.

Last week, I was called into the director's office to be told that they were not renewing my job for next year because I'm too shy.

Yep. You read that correctly. Because I am shy, quiet and reserved, none of my hard work this year matters. Nor my relationship with the students.

The initial news sent me into a tailspin, but as I've gotten used to it, I'm sorta glad to escape this school and this job and go onto the next phase of my life. I know I am meant to be a teacher, but I also know I'd be more content teaching older students.

The question is, now where do I go? What do I do?

I've dived in deep into my application for doing a master's in Spanish at the Universitat de Valencia. I'm hoping this works out, although I have no clue how the financial aspect will come into place. But something tells me things will work out. However, there's a lot of headaches preparing the application in Spain when I have to have an Apostille of the Hague for my diploma and my transcripts. I think I have a strong application though, given my grades and my studies and my love for Spain.

I've also started sending out my CV to academies in Valencia, Barcelona, Bilbao and Madrid to see if something comes up. I finally found out about the alternate auxiliar program and have sent an email to the director, but I haven't heard back yet.

I just feel that I belong in Spain. It has become my home, for better or for worse. I'm extremely worried about losing that. What future do I have in the States right now? Not much of one. I can't live with my mom. And while I have a friend near Chicago I can stay with until I got on my feet, Chicago is just not Spain in any way, shape or form. I feel so much more attune with the Spanish way of life. And I suppose if worse came to worse, I could go to the States for a year and reapply to the program next year for my second allotted year in the Comunidad de Madrid.

But the thing is, I haven't been really content in Madrid. Shit roommates, shit flat, shit barrio, shit commute to a shit suburb whose one claim to fame is it's right next to Penélope Cruz's pueblo, the richest pueblo in all of Spain! Right. I dreamed of Madrid for so long, but living here has been a rather huge nightmare. I keep feeling that I'm more like the northern Spaniards...although I'm most likely headed to Valencia.

Whatever happens now will have ramifications for the rest of my life, and I'm scared that if I did lose Spain, I would be bitter for a long time. And I don't want the bitterness.

Ya know, when I said I wanted to be more Spanish, that really didn't mean I wanted to be "en paro", which, after 30 June, I will be.

"All in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown-our future. We set off for far off places to try to find ourselves. Or try to lose ourselves, exploring pleasures closer to home. The problems start when we refuse to let change happen and cling to old habits. But if we hold on...to the past too tight, the future may never come. Til death do us part. XoXo, Gossip Girl"

mi "American Dream"

I am never one to stick to the status quo, and not too surprisingly, I sometimes suffer for it.

I straddle the lines between mean types of groups, never fully feeling accepted or a part of anywhere at any time. Gay and Christian. Intellectual who follows pop culture. Hates pop music...except for my faves Mariah Carey and Lady GaGa. An extremely shy boy who loves to go out dancing and watch the gay boys (although way to shy to ever talk to any of the said gay boys, so a very very very single and lonely boy.)

Growing up, I yearned to go anywhere but where I was. Anywhere was exotic compared to Cornfieldville, Ohio. I dreamed of being anyone but who I was.

I fell in love with Europe during my graduation visit to London in 2000. And when I came to Spain in 2003 to study Spanish in Toledo...as I stepped off the plane, I started crying, overcome with emotion over being some place that immediately felt like home.

I dreamed for five years of doing anything I could to return. I took a job that paid nothing in AceitedeOlivialandia just to get back here. I came to Madrid, the city of my dreams that's anything but (I'm much more a Valenciano...actually, I'm more of a northern Spaniard...very cold, distant and reserved at first sight but once you crack my shell, I'm one of the most loyal friends and awesome people you'll ever meet, but I digress.) that's another blog post. About how the metro kills all energy I have to live and how I will take a 40 minute bus over a 20 minute metro ride anytime. And the pollution. And the constant tourist and too many people and the snooty Chueca Boys who aren't good enough for me anyway. And shitty roommates in a shitty flat in a shitty barrio. Okay, maybe I won't save it for another blog post.

I relate more to Spain and the life here than I do for American life. Although I still deal with some depression and anxiety, it's nowhere near the levels I deal with in the US. There's just something about Spain that feels like home for me.

All this is on the verge of collapsing as there is a good chance I may not get a renewal to continue doing my job. It's a bunch of BS about how they don't want to renew anyone who has been doing it for over two years. This is easiest way for me to get my visa to stay in Spain. Without it, I'm not sure what will happen.

I'm investigating doing my master in Hispanic Studies (filologia española) at the Universitat de Valencia. I'm somewhat feeling lead to this place. I'm going to be sending out my CV to many places in VLC. I'm going to somewhat look in Bilbao and Barcelona too but place my emphasis in Valencia. It's a scary place to be, and a major faith test. I can't say I'm not freaking out. Because that would be a major lie. But I'm trying to look forward and think positive.

There is always talk about the American Dream, but it's not for me. My American dream is to officially emigrate to Spain, become a writer and fall in love with an awesome Spanish Boy. (Who loves me back.)

I'm just a very unstable place right now where all this is on the verge of collapsing. I'm not ready to give up my dream. I don't want the 9-5 rat race. And I'm most likely facing MAJOR unemployment in the States as I am technically not licensed to teach. And that is what I want to do with my life.

My horoscopes in Qué!, one of the free daily Madrid papers, this week have been quite interesting. "No te apetece dejar tu trabajo pero quiza sea lo mejor para ti." You don't feel like leaving your job, but it might be the best for you. Yesterday: Dedicarás más tiempo a la reflexión y tomarás decisiones más acertadas. You will spend more time reflecting and you will make better decisions more or less. And today? Lo peor pasó, y ahora estás en el camino sólido del amor y las resoluciones. The worst has passed, and now you're on the right path for love and resolutions.

(I translate idiomatically).

And then a letter to ADN, another free daily Madrid paper.

"Inmigrantes hay con papeles y sin papeles, e igual que los españoles tienen trabajo y otros no. Han venido para poder viver y aunque aquí tampoco lo tienen fácil, es mejor que en sus países de origen. La mayoria pertenecen a países con los tenemos una antigua deuda de colonización. Aceptar a los emigrantes es un mínimo de solidaridad en este mundo con tantas penurias y problemas."

Basically calling for the acceptance of immigrants. And even though Americans aren't seen as the typical immigrant, that's what I am. This letter was awesome.

I don't know my future...but I do know I want to stay in Spain for now. I just hope I don't screw it all up.

Mi Donostia

Last Friday morning, I got up way too early to make my way to Charmartin to catch a place to what I would soon discover is the most beautiful place on Earth, San Sebastián. Or in Euskera (Basque), Donostia.

The train ride is a five hour journey through Castilla y León, stopping in cities like Segovia, Valladolid, Burgos and Vitoria before arriving in San Sebastián (and going off to Hendaya, France). On the train, when I went to have my café con leche while watching the world go by at 180 kilometres an hour, I ended up meeting two footballers from Cadiz. How fun, Spanish celebrities!

Stepping off the train was like stepping into another world. País vasco (Spanish), Euskadi (Basque), or the Basque Country in England, is known for having very temperamental weather this time of year. However, I walked into sunny and 20 degrees. I stopped along the way to the hostel to take several pictures, awed by the beauty of this place.

After checking into the hostal, I went to Juantxo to grab the world's best bocadillo de tortilla. It would take me a few times ordering to get the hang of "pintxos", which are tapas for the north of Spain. All the food is on the bar, and you point or ask for a plate and grab what you want. And the pintxos are so amazingly delicious.

I took a walk along the beach, La Kontxa (Concha). The bay is shaped exactly like a shell. The tide is very big, causing almost all of the beach to disappear. But at low tide, the beach is quite big. And it took forty minutes or so to walk all the way across it. Separating two beaches is the Palacio Miramar with a huge green lawn where people picnic. I stopped for a café con leche. And then I saw the amazing El peine del viento (Comb of the Wind) and amazing views of the city. I walked back and walked through the old part of town and headed to the bus station to buy my ticket to Bilbao the next day, falling in love with this amazing city.

Bilbao. The journey is beautiful, of course. The bus was forty minutes late. And when I first arrived upon Bilbao, I was slightly disappointed. The Guggelhiem, which I didn't enter due to it's high cost and my low interest in the actual exhibits, wasn't as impressive as pictures and Mariah's video for "Sweetheart" lead me to believe. I took a walk along the river and then saw how amazing Bilbao is too. But not as amazing as San Sebastián. I stopped at a famous café with un camarero guapo named Pablo and meandered around the casco antinguo and the Siete Calles. In the Plaza de Unamuno, my camera decided to die. During siesta! What luck. I went up to the puente colgante and watched it for a few minutes, then came back. The metro in Bilbao is so much better than the metro in Madrid. I kid you not. So nicer, cleaner, more efficient...I digress. I bought new batteries, went back to Unamuno's birthplace, went up the stairs in his plaza to take some more amazing pictures and enjoy the scenery, and headed back.

On the way back to Donostia, after the bus stopped at the tool booth, a member of the Guardia Civil stopped the bus and boarded it. For a minute, I was scared to death. Is this a coup? Is this really the Guardia Civil or ETA in disguise? What's going on? I think it was just a check to see if there were any ETA terrorists, but I never found out for sure. A minute later we were on our way.

I originally had plans to go to Pamplona on Sunday, but I was tired and falling in love with this city, so I ended up cancelling them to explore more of SanSe. I am glad I did. I took a hike and saw Jesus. Literally. A huge statue of our Lord and Saviour, who the Spanish choose to honour the death and resurrection of by dressing up like KKK members and marching, is perched on top of a castle. More amazing views of the city. I then walked over to El Peine del Viento again and took the cable car up to the lighthouse and (mostly closed this time of year) amusement park above the other mountain (okay large hill, but it's Mount so...) More amazing views. I tried taking a siesta but couldn't sleep, so I went to the third beach on the other side of the river, which has the highest waves, and walked through Barrio Gros. I saw that the Pamplona bus schedule had changed, so I cancelled it all together as I didn't want to have to be there at 8.30. I loved this city so.

Monday morning, I got up and took the Euskotren to France. Hendaya(Spanish)/Hendaia (Euskera/Basque)/Hendaye in that awful language the French insist on vomiting upon the world to be exact. The French police stopped us to check residency cards...I had my passport too just in case. And yes, please speak French to the person with a SPANISH residence card and an US passport, as I'm sure it will be completely understood. I stopped for a cafe au lait and tried to order in what little French I knew. She ended up asking me "café con leche?" and I said "SÍ! ¡SÍ!" in the same boastful way the Spanish have about their language. Confidence and boastfulness of a language. :P I walked forever to get the beach and touristy stuff, took a picture of some hot shirtless surfers who two seconds later I overheard speaking beautiful castellano. Seeing Spain across the river was torture! I missed it so much! I bought a Coca Cola, and the hot clerk was like "Bonjour o hola?" I said "Hola" and we talked in Spanish. And the Spanish think it's ENGLISH you need to travel. Hendaia was nice, but not Spain. I went back to mi tierra nueva and walked more around San Sebastián.

Monday night, while walking on the beach taking some time to myself, a wind picked up out of nowhere. I ran back to the hostel, making it back before the torrent of rain started. Due to the on-and-off rain on Tuesday, I didn't make it to the pueblo I wanted to see. Ah well. Another excuse to go back to this amazing place.

Such an amazing trip, so many awesome memories. I <3 Donostia!

mis sueños

So this blog really isn't about Spain like how I originally intended. It's becoming more about me and more of a public version of my Livejournal. So be it. At least I'm writing.

As time goes by, I'm becoming more and more aware of what I want out of life. I'm just unsure about how to go about getting it, and I'm scared to death of failure. I'm quite indecisive, and I'm fighting low self-esteem, depression, social anxiety and general anxiety in my attempts to make my life.

First off, I need to spend time writing. Working on my novel and other writings. I waste so much time online doing nothing or planning trips I never take cos I freak out about money. I look at so many places in Madrid that I never write to to move while staying in a flat where I fight with the flatmates constantly 25 minutes from anywhere I want to go, 45 minutes if I catch the trains EXACTLY from where I work. What's going on? What do I want in life?

From now on...I am going to start concentrating on what makes me happy and the life I want. If it's not going to help me in one of my goals, then why bother?

I want a life full of love and friendships. I want a boyfriend, but I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. I want to meet The One. Mr. Right. Mi Principe Azul. I tend to meet...gilipollas. Dumbarse arseholes not worth the time or effort. Dumbarses who cause me grief and tears. What's that saying, that the one man worth your tears will never make you cry? I guess I should learn that. I'm not sure where to find him, but I do know I'm ready to settle down with the right guy and build a life together with him.

Is this possible?

I'm a passionate person. I'm passionate about Spain and Spanish. Reading and writing. Amazing cinema. Traveling. I am caring. I have a lot to give underneath this labyrinth of sadness and shyness. Am I destined to be die alone, my body discovered three weeks later half eaten by Alsatians?

I'm also wanting to go back to school for a Master's in "Hispanic studies", "filología española", etc...the trick is...I don't want to go back to the States. I'm slowly but surely investigating universities here in Spain, but the ironic thing is I'm not sure I can truly study the concept of Spanish Identity in Spain. And the plan B of course is teaching Spanish as a career. Again...I want to stay in Spain, so the teaching might have to be English as long as I'm here. At least I know I want to be a teacher/writer.

Travel wise, my goals are all 17 communities of Spain (I know 8), Greece, Morocco or Egypt, Australia and Argentina. There are other places I would like to see, of course, but these are the places foremost on my mind. Why am I nearly going to Germany to a city that I don't even want to see there (I want to see Berlin.) Granted, I'm not going to turn down a travel opportunity that comes my way, but these are what I'm going to concentrate on.

I know with some hard work, the future I want is possible. I'm just scared of failure.

la mia Roma....

Thursday morning, 28 January, I got up at the all too early of 5.45 to get ready to head to the airport. Now, Ryan Air...the only words for this company is "hijos de puta". I had to go to a different desk to check in since I didn't have baggage. The flight was without any problems, as I read and slept. I arrived at Rome Ciampiano and took the shuttle to Termini. I kept trying to find where I could purchases the Roma Pass which gave me a metro card and discounts (two free entries to places.) I found my way to the hostel (albergue), which was one of the best hostel experiences I've had. The people were really cool and friendly for once, and the main receptionist was awesome and made me speak Italian.

After eating at the first restaurant I found, which was way too expensive, I immediately went to do the two big things I missed my first time in Roma. San Pietro (I was there for Midnight Mass (misa de gallo), but I never looked around, and the Panthenon, which was closing every time I went before. Both were amazing places. I got caught in the rain without my umbrella for the first of several times. If I had my umbrella, it never rained. I went back to the Fontana di Trevi, which I did several times to make the two wishes. It's my favourite place in all of Europe, even if Rome is far from my favourite European city. There's just something magical about this place. My gelatto place was closed, and the hot boy at the pizza place apparently no longer works there.





I ate at another overcharged place before heading back to the albergue, walking past Piazze di Venezia, which is another beautiful piazza. After taking a walk past the gay bar next to the Colosseum but being too scared to go in, I went to bed early to get some sleep since I had been up since 5.45 and walked all day.

Friday I got up and went to Ostia Antica, after a pastry (pasta! Doesn't just mean pasta in italiano) and cappuccino. Ostia Antica was simply amazing. It's an ancient city like Pompeii, only without the volcanic ash. After, I went for a gelato on the beach. It was January, but...when in Rome...do as the Romans!

I got back to Rome, went for a cheap lunch in Travestere after seeing Piramide, and got caught in the rain trying to find my way back to the albergue. Luckily I found a bus from Piazze di Venezia that went toward Manzoni where I was staying. I saw the ruins named "Argentina". I dried up, went to see Piazza di Spagna and go shopping along Via Corso. There was a Zara! Alas...it was only window shopping. If only I had money for all those Dolce and Gabanna, Prada and Giorgio Armani. It was free pasta night at the hostel! I chickened out with the gay bar again though...

Saturday. I didn't want to pay for another night at the hostel, so I checked out. They were nice and let me hang out that evening though. Since the catacombs closed at noon and I slept in until 10...I put that off and went to the Piazze Maggiore, walked a lot...with my umbrella so it wasn't raining, and ate me some yummy gnocchi for lunch. Then I went to Appia Anticia...and the catacombs I wanted to go to were already closed for February, and the other wouldn't let me use my discount so I refused to go to it. I went back to Rome, saw the Circo Massimo again and a rainbow over some of Roma, rambled through Travestere...ate a pizza Margharita...said goodbye to the Trevi Fountain...and then again at 2 am killing time for my 6 am flight. It was so nice being around Spanish people again! It was funny. Every devastatingly beautiful boy I saw, as I walked past him, he was speaking Spanish. I think I saw a gay couple on the plane and then on Friday I saw them at the Trevi Fountain. Hehehe. I got back to Madrid and slept, slept, slept...

mis propositos

As many of you might remember, I don't do resolutions. I do goals. So I share with you, my 2010 goals.

1. Get healthy. I'm giving up pop, Starbucks, junk food. I'm going to find a gym and start working out. Hopefully by eating better, I'll feel better too.

2. Come out to my mom. I say this every year, and every year I say it's time. So maybe this will be the year.

3. Beat this depression. Be happier. Enough said.

4. Stay in Spain.

5. Find a boyfriend. I'm really ready to settle down with someone. I just want it to be the right someone.

6. I have 9 communities left. I want to knock as many of them off this year as possible!

7. Write an hour a day. Whether it's here in LJ, my public blog, a blog I sort of want to create for a Spanish "ON the Road" or my novel, I need to get back into writing big time.

8. Work on getting my first novel edited and PUBLISHED.

9. Go snowboarding, FINALLY. La sierra está muy cerca a Madrid.

10. Continue with the classics. Try to read all of Shakespeare's plays, more Dickens and Hemingway...and...tackle...Don Quijote for real. Not the skimming bullshit I did in 2008.

11. Never, ever step food into Escape or OHM again!

12. To quote Alanis, I'll be a friend to those who know how to be friends. That means...if you don't act like you care, or treat me bad in anyway, you're not a friend.

13. Perhaps it should be #1, but...I need to get back on track with God. :-/ Last year, I wanted to read the Bible in a year. I stopped in May. Maybe I should try it this year? I just don't know what I believe any more.

14. Write a Mariah lyric on Nick's wall at least three times a week to celebrate her 40th anniversary this year.

Top 100 of 2009

1 Poker Face Lady Gaga 175
2 Kids MGMT 122
3 Love Show Sonohra 121
4 Obsessed Mariah Carey 119
5 Broken Strings James Morrison f.Nelly Furtado 118
6 Forgive Me Leona Lewis 111
7 The World We Live In The Killers 104
8 A Dustland Fairytale The Killers 103
8 Bad Things Jace Everett 103
10 Losing Touch The Killers 101
11 Crush David Archuleta 94
11 Mr. Brightside The Killers 94
11 Side Effects Mariah Carey f. Young Jeezy 94
11 Touch My Hand David Archuleta 94
15 Broken Lifehouse 91
16 If You Seek Amy Britney Spears 90
17 Just Dance Lady GaGa f. Colby Odonis 89
18 Not As We Alanis Morissette 88
19 Love Will Never Do Without You Janet Jackson 87
20 Right to Dream Mariah Carey 86
21 I Wish You Well Mariah Carey 85
22 My Sweet Escape Run Kid Run 84
23 What You Want Caedmon's Call 81
24 I Want to Know What Love Is Mariah Carey 80
24 Paparazzi Lady GaGa 80
26 Touch My Body Mariah Carey 79
27 Lovegame Lady GaGa 78
28 Close My Eyes Robbie Williams 76
29 This Is Your Life The Killers 69
30 Bad Romance Lady GaGa 67
30 Calabria Enur f. Natasha 67
30 H.A.T.E.U Mariah Carey 67
30 Incomplete Alanis Morissette 67
34 Right Round Flo Rida 66
35 Dance Caedmon's Call 65
35 Give It 2 Me Madonna 65
37 Manos al aire Nelly Furtado 64
38 Bleeding Love Leona Lewis 62
38 Goodnight, Travel Well The Killers 62
38 Shake It Metrostation 62
41 At the Bottom Brand New 61
41 I Know You Want Me Pitbull 61
41 Jesus Christ Brand New 61
44 Whatever It Takes Lifehouse 60
45 Don't Trust Me 30H3! 58
45 When You Say Nothing at All Ronan Keating/Paulina Rubio 58
47 Amazing Kanye West f. Young Jeezy 57
47 Tennessee New Found Glory 57
49 Calle ilusión Alex Ubago 56
49 Human The Killers 56
51 Am I Wrong Brand New 55
51 Migrate Mariah Carey f. T-Pain 55
53 Beautiful Eminem 54
53 Sunday Tick Tick Boom 54
55 Getting Into You Relient K 53
55 Gives You Hell The All-American Rejects 53
57 Ballad of San Francisco Caedmon's Call 52
57 In My Arms Kylie Minogue 52
59 Kissing You Desree 51
59 My Love The Dream f. Mariah Carey 51
59 ¿Viva la Gloria? (Little Girl) Green Day 51
59 Why Now Wynonna 51
63 Breathe Me Sia 50
63 If You Should Ever Be Lonely Mariah Carey 50
63 Let's Dance Hawk Nelson 50
63 Mona Lisa (When the World Comes Down) The All-American Rejects 50
63 Y yo sigo aquí Paulina Rubio 50
68 I Wanna Dance with Somebody Whitney Houston 49
68 Love Lockdown Kanye West 49
70 I Am Understood? Relient K 48
70 Like a Drug Kylie Minogue 48
70 Please Don't Leave Me Pink 48
70 Seventeen Forever Metrostation 48
74 Defying Gravity Wicked 47
74 If You Leave Nada Surf 47
74 Piensa gay Lorena C 47
74 Wonderwall Cartel 47
78 Besos faciles Sonohra 46
78 Up Out of My Face Mariah Carey 46
80 Kelsey Metrostation 45
80 Shadow of the Day Linkin Park 45
80 Speakerphone Kylie Minogue 45
83 All I Want for Christmas Is You Mariah Carey 44
83 Boys Boys Boys Lady GaGa 44
83 Free Style Over the Shook Ones Mariah Carey f. Mobb Deep 44
83 Gotta Go My Own Way High School Musical 2 44
83 Nothing Fails Madonna 44
83 Tapes Alanis Morissette 44
89 Both Sides Now Joni Mitchell 43
90 Another Heart Calls The All-American Rejects 42
90 Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) Lady GaGa 42
90 Get'cha Head in the Game High School Musical 42
90 Johnny Can't Decide Tick Tick Boom 42
90 So What P!nk 42
90 Torch Alanis Morissette 42
96 Amarrado a ti Alex Ubago 41
96 Brave Idina Menzel 41
96 California Phantom Planet 41
96 Christmas Tree Lady GaGa 41
96 Love's Funny that Way Wynonna 41
96 Run Leona Lewis 41
96 Sigo aquí Alex Ubago 41
96 Sober P!nk 41
96 The Roof Mariah Carey 41
96 The 80's Robbie Williams 41
96 Trouble Is Jars of Clay 41
96 Uprising Muse 41
96 We're Running Out of Time LeAnn Rimes 41