mis crossroads

I'm standing at a crossroads in life, and I don't know what to go.

This line from the 1991 country song by Pirates of the Mississippi "Feed Jake" describes my life right now.

Last week, I was called into the director's office to be told that they were not renewing my job for next year because I'm too shy.

Yep. You read that correctly. Because I am shy, quiet and reserved, none of my hard work this year matters. Nor my relationship with the students.

The initial news sent me into a tailspin, but as I've gotten used to it, I'm sorta glad to escape this school and this job and go onto the next phase of my life. I know I am meant to be a teacher, but I also know I'd be more content teaching older students.

The question is, now where do I go? What do I do?

I've dived in deep into my application for doing a master's in Spanish at the Universitat de Valencia. I'm hoping this works out, although I have no clue how the financial aspect will come into place. But something tells me things will work out. However, there's a lot of headaches preparing the application in Spain when I have to have an Apostille of the Hague for my diploma and my transcripts. I think I have a strong application though, given my grades and my studies and my love for Spain.

I've also started sending out my CV to academies in Valencia, Barcelona, Bilbao and Madrid to see if something comes up. I finally found out about the alternate auxiliar program and have sent an email to the director, but I haven't heard back yet.

I just feel that I belong in Spain. It has become my home, for better or for worse. I'm extremely worried about losing that. What future do I have in the States right now? Not much of one. I can't live with my mom. And while I have a friend near Chicago I can stay with until I got on my feet, Chicago is just not Spain in any way, shape or form. I feel so much more attune with the Spanish way of life. And I suppose if worse came to worse, I could go to the States for a year and reapply to the program next year for my second allotted year in the Comunidad de Madrid.

But the thing is, I haven't been really content in Madrid. Shit roommates, shit flat, shit barrio, shit commute to a shit suburb whose one claim to fame is it's right next to Penélope Cruz's pueblo, the richest pueblo in all of Spain! Right. I dreamed of Madrid for so long, but living here has been a rather huge nightmare. I keep feeling that I'm more like the northern Spaniards...although I'm most likely headed to Valencia.

Whatever happens now will have ramifications for the rest of my life, and I'm scared that if I did lose Spain, I would be bitter for a long time. And I don't want the bitterness.

Ya know, when I said I wanted to be more Spanish, that really didn't mean I wanted to be "en paro", which, after 30 June, I will be.

"All in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown-our future. We set off for far off places to try to find ourselves. Or try to lose ourselves, exploring pleasures closer to home. The problems start when we refuse to let change happen and cling to old habits. But if we hold on...to the past too tight, the future may never come. Til death do us part. XoXo, Gossip Girl"