el meu futur...no sé que fer. Perdut...i fotut?

Having a sprained ankle and supposedly being down for close to two weeks and counting (I've made a few trips to close places in the neighbourhood to escape boredom, and I've walked to private classes across the Zubizuri...and probably a bit more than I should.) has given me a lot of time to think and ponder stuff, mainly the future.

I have accepted the renewal for next year. For the most part, I like my school and my coworkers, it's close to Bilbao, and they've been super understanding with time off during Anklegate 2014.

As to the future beyond next year? I'm clueless. I'm clueless at what will make me happy and what I want. I just know that I cannot continue this cycle of what I'm doing. One or two years in one place and then having to move because of idiotic Spanish laws. While I loved my school in Madrid, the city is a toxic place for me. Valencia and Bilbao aren't toxic, and I would love to try my hand at Barcelona.

I am frustrated financially and emotionally. I make 700Euro a month, which is about $1000 American. My rent is 300, which I pay with cash from the few private lessons I have. I get paid every three months. I am looking at going from April until November without getting paid. We don't have money for me to go to the States, and plus my visa is up for renewal on July 1st, which requires me to be around Spain as I have to do everything within a set amount of time from when letters arrive, etc.

And this job is pretty much the only way I can get a visa to stay in Spain legally.

Emotionally? I am wanting a place to call home, roots. I like Bilbao as a city, but it is hard to meet people as most are like me, reserved, into their own world. (In fact, not going into nationalism terms, but the Basque world, while we are aware of things going on in the world, is like a bubble that not even the rest of Spain, if it is indeed Spain, penetrates well.

Ideally, I think what I would like to do is a master in Barcelona and make Barcelona my home. I do worry that it will have a lot of the same problems as Madrid in that there are a lot of people, a lot of idiotic tourists everywhere, and stress stress stress (and Plaça Catalunya doesn't serve relaxing café con leches like Plaza Mayor I hear.) However, there is something about "Països Catalans" that is calling my name. It's Barcelona, Girona or València (sorry valencianos, però he de dir "Països Catalans perquè parle de València i Catalunya) that is speaking to me.

However, I don't have the money.

I am considering "homologar" my Spanish degree for a cost of at least 300 Euro and six months to a year, which involves my tracking down every university syllabi and translating all my transcripts (the 300 Euro minimum comes here) and trying to get a job at a private school in Barcelona or Valencia (or Bilbao). This has no guarantee.

And then there is grad school in the United States and returning to Spain for the master. I don't think it would be too hard to get into a program, but the problem is with my freaking speech impediment which makes my Spanish sound much worse than it really is. Yeah, all those problems with "Rs" and "ls" in English show up a lot more in a language that relies on them. This is why I was not accepted in 2008. I've read freaking Quijote in Spanish, yet people treat me as if I don't even know "hola".

One thing on my mind is the fact that perhaps my lack of confidence in speaking due to these speech impediments which then impedes me on meeting people and making friends and causing me to be more lonely than I already am...and I am pretty introverted as it is. But that's another thought for another time.

At any rate, this is all on my mind. And I know next year is most likely my last year doing the current auxiliar program. Seven years is enough, oi? I just wish I knew what was next.