el meu gos...

FALLON FEY 15 MAY 2002-14 AUGUST 2013

Fallon Fey came into my life as a darling little puppy named Ginger who I petset for my pregnant aunt one weekend in July. We instantly bonded. A few months later when the baby came, my aunt couldn't deal with the puppy, and she became mine. My mom took care of her while I was at university, but she was always my dog.

She entered my life at a time I was deeply struggling with my homosexuality and hating myself for being gay (a hate I honestly still carry with me today if I look deep down). We were the best of friends. I took her to Cherokee Park in Louisville and to the Red River Gorge as often as I could. I would always pounce on her, and she was there to lick the tears of my face as I constantly cried due to whatever jerk had broken my heart or whatever jerk had said how horrible homosexuality was or whatever reason.

When I moved to Spain in September 2008, my hardest goodbye was to her. It tore me in two to say goodbye to her. She was my best friend. When I came back at Christmas after 3,5 years without seeing her, she instantly remembered me and bonded with me as if I had never left. I knew when I said goodbye to her, it could be my last goodbye.

She had some cancerous growths on her back that became infected and caused her heart to start giving out. My mom made the decision to put her down before she suffered any more pain. And my mom keeps saying at least my last memories of her will be happy memories and not of the old dog she became in the past month. (The vet in May had an optimistic outlook of another two years.)

My heart is aching for the loss of my dog, one who I had abandoned to pursue this wacky sordid adventure of living in Spain. I wonder if she knew or understand why I left. I had to get out of an unhealthy environment for me.

My heart has been aching for a dog here in Spain for quite some time. Whenever I am out for one of my many strolls and I come across a dog, I have to control myself and not to go up to it and give it a huge hug. When I left Madrid, I had to go back to the chino that lets their golden retriever lie out on the pavement in front of it to say my adéu to it. I just hugged it and held it and felt so alone.

And then just this Sunday, I had a nightmare that there was a cheetah that had made its home in our Ohio house (where Fallon never lived, but what dreams ever make sense? I only dream of the Ohio house and never any of the various places I've lived since and never ever Kentucky.) Fallon was trapped out on the patio and had to cross a hungry cheetah to get back in. After a few tries she made it and we locked the door trapping the hungry cheetah outside. I awoke in a cold sweat worried that something had happened to Fallon.

Three short days later.

Fallon...I will never, ever forget you.